General Jokes

[LordBlaZe]

((k i couldn't find anyplace to put these jokes so ill post them here, keep reading im full of em lol))

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."



A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, "Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot."

The father explained, "No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman."

So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.

Furious, the mother shouted, "Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!"

[LordBlaZe]

(heres another one)

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[LordBlaZe]

((lmfao i found this joke and i had to post it,, too funny))

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, Hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks
with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young
man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Kiara Johnson]

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.

Someone dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."




A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

[LordBlaZe]

lol, those are good i got a lot more but il post them later

[dobby888]

ooh i've got some!!!!

Where does the General keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screeming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. As his fame grew, people from all over the country were coming to him in MN for portraits. One day while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. She said money was no object -- she was willing to pay him $50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with Lena, Ollie asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his missus. In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

[LordBlaZe]

lol, keep postin em

[dobby888]

will do

You're so dumb that you told a mime to shut-up
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Gin.................and tonic." The bartender says, "Hey, what's with the big pause?"
The polar bear looks at his hands and says, "I don't know, my Dad had 'em, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little guy is sitting at the bar, just staring into his drink when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on, man. I was just giving you a hard time," the trucker said, adding, "Let me buy you a drink because I can't stand to see a man cry."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot I discovered my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home, but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home, I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So, I came to the bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the darn poison."

[LordBlaZe]

((well i found this and it's too jokes. I hope no one finds it offensive cause it's not mean, just funny. If you do i'll remove it))

(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?


See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao


Stupid Man

Dum Gai


Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni


Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?


I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni


It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim


This is a tow away zone

No Pah King


You are not very bright

Yu So Dum


I got this for free

Ai No Pei


I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?


Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?


They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.


Stay out of sight

Lei Lo



He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.


Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki


I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

[dobby888]

lol thats hilarious!!!

Two cannibals were eating a chicken, one looked up and said, "Tastes like Robert". 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q: What do you call lice on a bald man's head?
A: homeless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Robin Hood lay dying. He haltingly called to Little John. "Bring me my bow and arrow".
He weakly drew the bow and released the arrow, saying as he did "Bury me where this arrow lands". So they buried him on top of his wardrobe.

[harrypotterfan:)]

((ahem....I'm Chinese....and that's Cantonese just to tell you so I'm not that offense....LOL....anyways your previous jokes were funnier Blaze..... ;) ))

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.


There was a football coach that had a player on his team that was a bit low.
The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he
would be allowed to play in the big game.
The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office
and asked him to recite the formula for water. The player grinned real big and
said, "H I J K L M N O." 

Once there was two aliens that they came down to earth looking for jobs. One
of them went to work at a Restaurant and the other went to work at a candy
store. One day as they came down the street, they found a dead man on the
ground. A police man shows up and asks, "How did you kill this man?" One of the
aliens said, with forks and knifes. The police man said you are going to jail.
One of the aliens replied back "goodie gum drops, goodie gum drops."   

((some of these jokes people might find offensive....sorry it's just coincidentally offensive...wait does that make sense?))