HILARIOUS HARRY POTTER SPOOF!

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

Since, this wasn't working for some people, I'll just post it right here. Now keep in mind, this is not my story. It belongs to "Silver Phoenix" from www.fanfiction.net. I repeat: THIS IS NOT MY STORY!!!!!

Harry Potter and the Chamber-Pot of Secrets

Chapter 1: It's A Hard Knock Life

Harry Potter sat upon his Power Rangers bedspread, thinking and wishing and hoping and dreaming. But most of all, he was speculating on how he managed to secure a sequel book. He could only help that he wouldn't end up in sequel hell along with Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clones and Jaws II. The shark was dead, man.

Harry sighed and gazed through the bars on his bedroom window. Though he had graduated from the cupboard above the refrigerator, this new bedroom was not any better. The horrid shade of bright pink splashed across his bedroom walls contrasted horribly with his Power Rangers bedspread and matching lamp. Harry curled up into a little ball and cried.

"It's a hard knock life, for us," Hedwig the owl sang. For you see, she was actually Celine Dion, imprisoned in the body of an owl because of this old lady with a rose, who was actually a beautiful enchantress - anyway, it's a long story. Let's just say that we all owe that old lady a tremendous debt of gratitude.

"It's a hard knock life, for us," Dudley sang sadly in the next room. Last year he had been turned into a large green dragon, and consequently, had scored a hit television show on PBS. But, like many other PBS stars, he had quickly succumbed to booze and drugs, then spent all his money on gambling and call-girls. Now he was alone and forlorn, with nothing in the world except for his Playstation 2.

"Instead of treated, we get tricked," Aunt Petunia added, stirring the sweet, sweet sauce for that night's sweet, sweet pasta.

"Instead of kisses, we get kicked," Uncle Vernon contributed, sitting in front of the sweet, sweet TV and watching the sweet, sweet news. "It's a hard knock - "

Harry randomly leapt up and began walking around his room, rapping and making several strange hand gestures. "From standin' on the corners boppin' to drivin' some of the hottest cars New York has ever seen. For droppin' some of the hottest verses rappers ever heard. For the dope spot with the smoke lot bringin' the murder scene. You know me well from nightmares of a lonely cell, my only hell - "

"nuts, son," a voice said from Harry's window. Harry abruptly stopped rapping and being angry with the world to skip merrily to his barred window. It was just as well; he was getting to the part where the censors would have had to step in. And they were all very busy over at Jerry Springer. It was tough to find good censors these days.

"Word," Harry replied, nodding at his best friend, who was floating outside his window in a flying '86 Toyota. His two brothers, Lil' Fred and Big G, nodded back at Harry and nonchalantly busted open his window using nothing but a Bazooka Joe bubble gum wrapper. Harry shrugged and clambered into the flying vehicle happily.

"Yo, I'm rollin' on twenties on the freeway, kid," Ron said to Harry, driving over Buckingham Palace.

"Honk at that broad!" Lil' Fred hollered, leaning over and honking the horn. The Queen of England glanced up at the flying car, looking horrified.

"Well, I never!" she exclaimed.

Big G high-fived Lil' Fred. "I think that couldn'ta gone better."

"Man, this new ride is slammin', yo," Harry pointed out. "Slammin' old school."

"That ain't nothin' compared to this ice I'm sportin'," Ron said proudly, pointing to the heavy, gold chain around his neck. "Sportin' it old school."

"Bling, bling," Harry agreed.

"Turn the bass up, yo!" Big G yelled.

Ron reached over to turn on the radio. "Hit it!"

We go together, like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong! Remembered forever as shoobop sha wadda wadda yippity boom de boom!

"Chang chang changitty chang shoobop!" the four of them sang loudly. "That's the way it should beeeeeee! Wha ooooooooooh, yeah!"

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

Chapter 2: And Iiiiiiiiiieeeiiiiiiiii

After some crazy misadventures at Ron's 'crib', unfortunately, Harry and his crew had to go back to their beloved school. But not before something totally random and out-of-place in the correct sequence of things happened.


"Harry Potter cannot go back to Hogwarts!" a high-pitched voice whispered fearfully as Harry was packing his socks into his suitcase. The pink kind with hearts and little white pom-poms on them. Harry whirled around, only to see a midget wearing a potato sack.


Harry squinted. "Are you an Oompa Loompa?" He suddenly started shaking the midget violently, sobbing. "Did the giant blueberry girl survive?! I must know!"


"No, you freakin' idiot. Do I look like a freakin' Oompa Loompa to you? I'm a house-elf, dammit," the midget replied gruffly. Harry observed that he looked rather disgruntled and was smoking a cigar and looked a hell of a lot like Danny DeVito.


The house-elf coughed and started speaking in a high-pitched fashion once again. "Dobby's name is Dobby, Harry Potter, sir! Since Dobby is uneducated, Dobby must speak in the third person and use incorrect grammar, sir!"


"So you're a hick?" Harry said, confused.


"House-elf."


"Same difference."


"Harry Potter must not go back!" Dobby warned shrilly. "Beware any very secret diaries that you may consequently find in a toilet and try to read but you won't be able to read so you forget about it until you spill some ink on it and you find out that the diary can write back to you and you learn about a horrible, horrible, crime that was committed at Hogwarts over 50 years ago and then bad stuff starts happening and it turns out it's Ron's sister all along!" Then he winked and was gone.


Harry laughed good-naturedly. "Oh, those crazy, misfortunate hicks."


And so Harry and his homey Ron headed down to the west side to chill on Platform 9 3/4, only to find that there was no way onto the train! Oh, what a dilemma it was. Until Harry and Ron realized that there was a McDonald's in the train station. All their problems seemed to be whisked away as they happily consumed a fruity yogurt parfait type thing that McDonald's claimed was a 'lighter choice'. But then they realized that in order to live their dream of touring Pittsburgh as low-paid magicians who did cheap party tricks at 7-year-old girls' birthday parties, while recording underground rap records on the side, they needed to go to school. Begrudgingly, they attempted to think of an alternate means of transportation to Hogwarts.


"Home dawg..." Ron said suddenly, staring at his flying car, which was conveniently parked nearby. "Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin', yo?"

"Well, I think so, Ron," Harry replied thoughtfully. "But how would we get the purple thong on the hippo?"


After they had figured out that nasty little difficulty, the two decided to fly Ron's ghetto Toyota to Hogwarts!


...Only to crash it into a very large tree which happened to smash Ron's cherished ghetto Toyota into itty bitty pieces.


"Whyyyyyyyyyy?!" Ron fell to his knees in the Forbidden Forest and wept openly as his beloved car was smashed. Tears glistening in his eyes, he slowly removed his gold chain.


"That car was the world to me..." he whispered. "And thus, I forsake my rapping ghetto ways, and offer this heavy fake gold chain to the god of all that is ghetto...Mr T."


"Shaddup, foo!" Mr. T. snapped, grabbing the chain. Laughing maniacally, he darted into the woods.


"Remember the Titans, Mr. T!" Harry called after him, waving and wiping a single tear from his eye. "Remember the Titans..."


Soon after, Harry and Ron found themselves in Professor Snape's office. Ron continued weeping bitterly as Snape applied a thick layer of grease to his hair and then, when he was finally satisfied with it's level of greasiness, whirled around to glare at them maliciously.


"Crashing an '86 Toyota into a tree, eh?" Snape hissed, disgusted. "It figures, Potter...just like your father..." A far-away, misty look came into Snape's eyes, which were also greasy.


<Insert flash-back sequence here>


"Oh no, James!" Peter Pettigrew squeaked, wringing his hands. "You've crashed your '86 Toyota into the Whomping Willow again!"


James Potter laughed in a thingyy and rebelliously handsome sort of way and re-adjusted his sunglasses and leather jacket. He leaned against the flailing willow and took out a cigarette, dangling it from his luscious lips and lighting it. He inhaled deeply. "Don't worry about it, Peter, baby," James said casually. "It's only 1981, so by all accounts this doesn't make sense, and that car shouldn't even exist."


The car suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke. James' friends all clapped politely.


"Oh James, you're my hero!" Lily Evans gushed, her red curls bouncing even though she was remaining completely stationary.


"Yeah, James, you're the bomb," Sirius Black added lazily. He was surrounded by random scantily-clad girls.


"What do we do now James, oh great leader?" Remus Lupin inquired, his eyes darting around suspiciously. Almost as if he was some sort of...werewolf...


"That's easy. I'll stand here leaning against this highly dangerous tree and be the most popular and handsome boy in school," James answered.


"I'll continue fulfilling my duty as the Hogwarts man-sleeper," Sirius offered.


"I'll demonstrate my childhood shyness - due to the fact that I'm a werewolf and therefore shunned by society and the other kids - by bashfully kicking at the ground every now and again," Remus piped up.


"I'll be the shy girl/unpopular girl/tomboy/best friend of James who has absolutely no chance of ever dating him even though I've had a crush on him for the longest time and cry myself to sleep every night," Lily added cheerfully.


"And I'll end up betraying and killing you all," Peter spoke up. Nobody noticed.


"Potter!" a younger version of Severus Snape cried, bursting onto the scene and attempting to be a shadow of the present-day Draco Malfoy's character in every way possible. "You crashed your car into the Whomping Willow again! I'm telling," he pouted.


"What car?" James replied coolly.


Snape nearly swooned; those dreamy eyes, that non-greasy hair...who was to question that kind of manly beauty?


"Of course," Snape replied dreamily. "No...car..." With that, he turned to leave, but not before mouthing the words "Call me" to James while the others weren't looking. Giggling madly, he dashed away, humming a Whitney Houston song happily.


<End flashback>


"And Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-eeeee-iiiiiiiiiiiii," Snape belted out, flinging out his arms dramatically, "will always love youuuuuuuuuuuuuu..." Harry and Ron stared at him.


"Ahem," the Potions Master cleared his throat. "You're dismissed. But not before eating these ever-lasting sandwiches." With that, he magicked several different types of sandwiches onto a platter. There were many, many sandwiches - tuna and ham, even Nutella, the Italian sandwiches that are made of nothing but pure, pure chocolate.


"But sir, we're not hungry - " Ron began.


"Eat them..." Snape said dangerously. Harry and Ron quickly obeyed as their potions professor turned to leave. He paused at the door, resting one greasy hand on the doorframe.


"Will always...love..." Snape breathed softly, "a-youuuuuuuuuuuu..."


And then he vanished into the night...

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

Chapter 3: FredBob's Fate

Harry and Ron returned to the Gryffindor Common Room, where common Gryffindors such as Ron and Harry went to do common things in a common fashion that was by no means out of the ordinary unless you count the whole wizard/witch thing. Anyway, when they returned they found their friend Hermione; a girl with a big heart and an even bigger afro.

"Harry, Ron," she said sternly. "You really shouldn't be out this late! You could get yourselves killed!" she turned around abruptly, as if speaking into a camera. "Or worse, expelled," she added with flourish. The two boys gawked at her bushy, bushy hair.

"Help me! Help me!" a tiny voice said.

"Dear God woman; is there a person in there?!" Ron exclaimed, staring at her enormous hair. Hermione, however, was gazing at Ron as if in a whole different light.

"Ron..." she breathed, looking him up and down. "Your heavy fake gold chain...it's gone..." she took a step forward. "And I can finally see your...your gorgeous red hair without that stupid bandana you always wear...and your pants!" she exclaimed. "They're...form-fitting! Oh Ron, have you forsaken your ghetto ways?!"

Ron looked away. "I don't want to talk about it."

"A sentence that makes sense and doesn't contain the words 'old school'!" Hermione exclaimed breathlessly. She swooned, then fainted. Thankfully, her hair broke her fall.

Ron knelt down and took her pulse as the rest of the Gryffindors watched speechlessly. A minute ticked by, but seemed like an hour. Some crickets chirped. An Exploding Snap card exploded, taking an entire chair and table with it.

"She's okay, folks!" Ron announced as he felt a pulse. Everyone clapped and cheered, then went back to their business.

"Wanna go play chess?" Ron asked Harry, getting up.

"But of course," Harry replied. Whistling a merry tune, then went up to their dorm, leaving an unconscious Hermione on the floor.

***

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were strolling down the halls one fine, fine morn, when they happened to stumble across something quite out of the ordinary.

"My God!" Hermione exclaimed. "Snape's hair isn't greasy!"

"What?" Snape said abruptly, running over to a nearby window and gazing at his reflection in horror. "Dear lord, you're right!" Hurriedly, he wiped some grease off his extremely greasy arms and frantically applied it to his hair. When he was finally satisfied, Snape breathed a sigh of relief and sauntered away proudly.

"Hey, that's kind of new too," Ron pointed out lazily. He pointed to the wall on their right, which had writing on it in dripping, thick, crimson paint.

"I think that's blood," Harry said mildly.

Dun na na!

"Where'd that music come from?" Hermione asked, narrowing her eyes. "Oh," she said in relief as she spotted an entire orchestra sitting in the corner. The conductor waved. Hermione waved back.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione took a step closer to peer at the bloody lettering. "The Ch-Ch-Cham...Chamber..."

"That's it, Harry," Ron said gently. "Sound it out..."

"Chamberpot..." Harry finished the word, looking triumphant, "Chamberpot of...of...Se...Secrets has b-been...opened?"

"Well done, Harry!" Ron said, clapping his hands in delight. "You get a gold star!"

Harry happily stuck the gold star on his forehead.

"The Chamberpot of Secrets has been opened," Hermione repeated thoughtfully, rubbing her chin. She squinted. Below the message was scribbled office hours, also in blood.

Hermione took another step forward and stepped on something very rigid and very crunchy. "Oh my God!" she screamed.

"I know," Ron replied, shaking his head. "The Chamberpot of Secrets is only open 'til 2:00 p.m. on Saturdays?! And they're not open at all on Sundays?! This is an outrage!"

"No, look!" Hermione pointed at the thing she'd just stepped on in horror. It was their caretaker Filch's salamander, Fred-Bob. It's eyes were glassy, with the little X's on them that indicated unconsciousness.

"Who could have done such a thing?" Harry mused. He suddenly whirled around, looking suspicious. "And where were you during all of this, Professor Plum?"

The purple-clad professor looked around wildly, hiding a wrench behind his back. "I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything!" he said frantically, then hurled himself out a nearby window.

"Well look, if it isn't the famous Harry Potter," a voice suddenly said scathingly. Harry and his cronies whirled around to see Draco Malfoy and his goons. The two gangs regarded each other venomously from opposite sides of the hall. The orchestra struck up a familiar, jazzy tune. Everyone started snapping their fingers.

"Crazy!" Draco and his clique shouted.

"Cool!" Harry and his compadres yelled.

Harry's head suddenly whipped around to stare at no one in particular. He walked forward slowly, still snapping. "Boy, boy, crazy boy...get cooool boy!" he belted out. "Gotta rocket in your pocket...keep coolie cool booooy!"

"Shut up!" Fred-Bob the salamander yelled. Everyone whirled around to stare at him. But alas; his eyes were X's once more.

"Potter," Draco sneered, as Crabbe and Goyle abandoned their Broadway dance number that they'd so carefully prepared for an occasion like this, "I challenge you..." he suddenly brought out a white glove and glove-slapped Harry. "To a duel!"

Harry narrowed his eyes and twirled his pencil-thin moustache. "I accept," he declared dangerously. He and Draco both withdrew their wands.

"Go Harry! Go Harry! It's your birthday, happy birthday!" Ron and Hermione cheered.

"Draco, Draco, he's our man, if he can't do it, some other evil rival character with extremely bad one-liners can!" Crabbe and Goyle screamed, doing complicated flips and handstands in their cheerleading uniforms. "Goooooo Draco!"

"Parasolamentagardiumnerviosa!" Draco hollered. His wand turned into an umbrella. He hung his head in shame.

"Supercalafragalisticexpealladocious!" Harry exclaimed. His wand turned into a rubber chicken. He hung his head in shame.

Suddenly, Draco's umbrella-wand took on a life of it's own and started jerking around madly. Draco dropped it Everyone took a step backwards as it growled and advanced on Ron.

"Not Ron!" Hermione screamed. "Please not Ron! Anyone but Ron! Ron's the only thing I'm living for!"

"Hermione!" Ron snapped. "Italics are to be used in special circumstances, such as to show emphasis on a word or to indicate that a spell is being said! You don't use it every three seconds! God!" Ron screamed shrilly as the umbrella prepared to attack him.

"Nooooooooooo! Stop!" Harry yelled. The umbrella abruptly stopped and went limp. Everyone gasped loudly.

"Harry!" Ron said in disbelief. "You're...you're a Parasoltongue!"

"What?" Harry furrowed his eyebrows, making him look quite a lot like Groucho Marxx.

"A Parasoltongue!" Hermione explained. "You can talk to umbrellas!"

Harry looked quite impressed with this newfound talent.

"Potter!" Malfoy interrupted. "We're not done here."

"But your wand turned into an umbrella," Harry pointed out. Draco stood silent.

"...Graaaaaaaaah!" Malfoy abruptly screamed, body-checking Harry. The two thrashed about on the ground violently, then suddenly stopped. Malfoy lay upon Harry's body, panting. Harry was gasping for breath. The two looked into each other's eyes. Their noses were but inches apart...

"Potter," Malfoy said softly. "I've...I've never noticed how...green your eyes are."

"Malfoy," Harry said gently, "I've...I've never noticed how...slicked-back your hair is."

Slowly, the two of them moved their faces closer...and closer...

SLASH WARNING! SLASH WARNING! SLASH WARNING! SLASH WARNING! SLASH WARNING! SLASH WARNING! SLASH WARNING!

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Draco kissed Harry on the cheek then jumped off of him, dashing down the halls and giggling hysterically.

END SLASH WARNING! END SLASH WARNING! END SLASH WARNING! END SLASH WARNING! END SLASH WARNING!

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Harry blinked.

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

Chapter 4: Natural Botanicals

Charms was always a constructive class; in it, the young wizards and witches of Hogwarts learned the charming ways of being dashing and captivating, not to mention they got to practice the much-needed art of flashing winning smiles.

"Allow me, m'lady," Neville Fatbottom said courteously, pulling out a chair for some random, scantily-clad girl who may or may not have been in that old school Hogwarts flashback. The chair took on a life of it's own and smote Neville. Such were the ways of the Fatbottoms - they had a long and diverse history of screwing up everything they did. Not to mention an equally long and diverse history of fat arses.

"And so I said to her, I said...what large clock?" Dean laughed good-naturedly, in a dashing and captivating sort of way. Harvarty Patil batted her eyelashes.

"Oh, Ron," Hermione chimed, laughing and fanning herself. "You are a tease!"

Ron slouched in his chair. "Yo, that's right biotch. Right old school."

"Ron!" Professor Flitwick and Hermione scolded. Ron bolted up in his chair.

"I mean...right you are, you fetching creature, you. Fancy a frolic in the gardens?" Ron asked thickly, and with much difficulty.

"No, no, Harry," Professor Flitwick said in exasperation, crossing the room and stopping in front of Harry, who was working very hard on his winning smile. "More handsome rogue, less endearingly heroic."

Harry nodded, sweat pouring down his face and into his eyes, then turned around so that his back was to Flitwick and the rest of the expectant Charms class. His face muscles contorting and twisting, Harry whirled around with flourish.

"Like this?" Harry said through clenched teeth, flashing a handsomely rogueish winning smile.

"Perfect!" Flitwick exclaimed. The class burst into applause. Harry's jaw broke.

Just then, Ginny Weasley burst into the classroom for no apparent reason. Harry glanced over at her briefly, then returned to what he was doing. Ginny hung her head in disappointment - but suddenly, an idea popped into her head. Slowly, she dipped a hand into her handbag and emerged with...

A bottle of Herbal Essences.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Ginny exclaimed as a bunch of random men burst onto the scene, beginning to lather up their hands in order to apply the sweet, sweet shampoo. Ginny painstakingly removed her ponytail holder, letting her long, luscious auburn hair spill onto her shoulders. Harry glanced over, and shielded his eyes - due to the special lighting for Herbal Essences commercials, Ginny's hair shone like a thousand stars. In the background someone screamed and fell over, blinded.

"She's got the urge!" the random men sang in full, rich voices. Harry watched, spellbound.

"Natural botanicals!" Neville added.

"She's got the uuuuurge to Herbal!"

"Work it!" Ginny shouted. "Work it!"

"Wait 'til you try the body wash," a voice whispered in Harry's ear. Harry glanced over to see Harvarty's lips practically on his ear. He jumped backwards into a karate stance. "Whoa! No touchy!"

Alas, Harry was then distracted as Ginny held up the bottle again, grinning mischievously. "Boys," she said seductively. "The bottle says repeat..."

"Ron," Harry suddenly announced. "I think I'm in love with your sister." He suddenly looked very confused. "Or am I? Ginny's also like a sister to me...but her hair, her luxurious Herbal hair...and that smile...but it's Ginny...I am so confused!" He burst into tears.

"What?! You love my sister?!" Ron exclaimed wildly. Then he stared blankly ahead.

"This is the part where you proceed to freak out," one of the Herbal Essences guys advised him.

"Right you are, my good man!" Ron said, laughing jovially. He cleared his throat. "I'm freakin' out over here!" he screamed.

"Aw, too bad Harry," Ginny said, waltzing over. "I conveniently got over you...3.4 seconds ago."

"Ain't that always the way," Professor Flitwick said, shaking his head.

Later, in Defense Against the Dark Arts...

The students sat in their desks, dejected. Suddenly Hermione perked up, hearing the sound of drums getting nearer.

"Oh God, what's the theme song today?" Harry moaned.

Ba ba ba!

Gilderoy Lockhart kicked down the door and slid into the classroom. "His name is Lockhart! He is a wizard! With his dashing, charming smiles and a grin that goes for miles - "

"Copa Cobana," Harry groaned, slamming his head on his desk.

A few moments later...

"And so I flipped into the air, doing four somersaults, performing a triple axle, and winning an Olympic gold, then landed on my feet as nice as you please," Lockhart was saying, recounting a rather long and elaborate occasion in which he faced a Boggart in Mongolia and, apparently, won several Olympic golds in the process. "And, well...to make a long story short, I was wearing an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time," he finished triumphantly.

The class sat in silence. "...I wish I was dead," Harry announced loudly.

12 years ago...

"Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Potter!" a nurse gushed, holding out a bouncing, baby boy to a woman with fiery red hair. He had a tiny, lightning bolt-shaped scar on his head. "It's a boy!"

Mrs. Potter squinted at the lightning bolt scar. "Waaaait a minute - "

Back in the present...

"By all accounts, that doesn't make sense," Hermione said matter-of-factly. "Why would you have had the scar when you were born?!"

Harry blinked. "Did I re-live that flashback out loud?"

5.63 seconds ago...

"By all accounts, that doesn't make sense," Hermione said matter-of-factly. "Why would you have had the scar when you were born?!"

Harry blinked. "Did I re-live that flashback out loud?"

In the present...

"That's quite enough of that," Harry decided.

"Copa Cabanaaaaaa!" Gilderoy sang, tap-dancing on his desk. "Have a bananaaaaaaa!"

That night...

"Harry, hanging out in the girls' washroom was the best idea you've ever had!" Dean and Seamus giggled, sitting on the toilet with a flashlight. They, along with Ron and Harry, were all squeezed into one cubicle, having a pajama party.

"So, what do you all think of the new girl?" Dean asked, wagging his eyebrows. "What a piece of work, eh?"

"There is no new girl," Ron stated, furrowing his eyebrows. "There's a new guy..."

"...Oh."

"How about Harvarty Patil and Mozzarella Brown?"

"They're named after cheese."

"Which makes them all the more tempting."

"And that Draco Malfoy," Harry piped up dreamily. "With those smouldering eyes and that slick, blonde hair..."

Everyone stared. Harry cleared his throat. "So...the Chamberpot of Secrets..."

"We should try to solve the mystery of the Chamberpot of Secrets!" Ron proclaimed. "Me, Harry, and Hermione are the three main characters, so there's like...zero chance that we'll die. We're invincible! We can do anything!"

"What about me?" Seamus asked, his eyes shining.

"Dude, you're totally being set up to die in the fifth book," Harry said apologetically. "Sorry."

"So we'll solve the mystery," Ron decided. "We'll search the school for clues! We'll spend hours upon hours researching in the library! Then one day we'll find the secretive entrance! One day we'll be able to save the poor souls who were victims to the horrible monster within!" he suddenly stood up in the small cubicle, Pomp and Circumstance playing in the background. "And one day, Harry!" he yelled. "One day, amidst the crowd, we shall spot that tall, skinny guy with the red and white striped sock hat wearing the spectacles, and we shall triumphantly cry out...'There's Waldo!'"

"Waldo is a fictional character," Harry pointed out.

Ron sat down. "Then it will be all the more sweeter when we find him." He fished out an object, which he had just sat on. "Hey look, a very secret diary," he said casually. Dean snatched it.

"Dear Diary," Dean read. "Tonight Enrique came to visit me again. He put his strong, powerful arms around me and told me everything is going to be okay - " He slammed it shut. "I've had enough."

But Harry slyly pocketed the diary. Suddenly, words of warning seemed to re-occur to him. But, dismissing this sense of déjà vu as simply a glitch in the Matrix, they continued on with their slumber party, heedless of the evil within the diary.

For you see, Enrique was...

...A hair stylist.

Dun na na!

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

Chapter 5: Time Travel and Sprinklers

Harry stared at the very secret diary he'd found in the girl's bathroom only hours before, trying to figure out it's very secret secret. He'd considered going to one of his teachers with the discovery, then decided against it, seeing as hanging out in the girls' bathroom was not generally something young boys did. Unless...

Never mind.

Harry suddenly screamed like a little Irish girl as something came crashing through his bedroom window, shattering it to pieces. However, the Hogwarts budget had considerably decreased after Dumbledore had insisted on putting a sauna and Jacuzzi in the staff room, and thus Harry's bedroom window was made out of plastic. This made it easily repairable, so Harry didn't think too much of it.

Harry picked up the object; a rock with a note tied to it. Curious, he untied the note and read it out loud.

"Write - to - the - diary - dumbarse," Harry read slowly and methodically. Furrowing his eyebrows, he glanced out the window. That house elf character was running away as fast as his little legs could carry him. He was suddenly assaulted as the Hogwarts sprinkler system kicked in. Now he was a plot-spoiler and wet.

Harry shrugged and picked up the diary and a quill.

Dear someone else's diary,

Hi, my name's Harry! It seems like it's critical to the plot of this story that I figure out your very secret secret. So could you please let me know what it is? You know what's funny? This little Oompa Loompa guy just chucked a rock through my window. What was the deal with the tunnel scene in Willy Wonka anyways? I'm pretty sure Willy Wonka was on crack. Did you notice the giant mushrooms? I did. That fat kid was funny. What was his name? I don't remember. How did Grandpa Joe and all them go to the bathroom if they were stuck in that bed? I think Star Wars could've been better if there had been some monkeys involved. Dancing monkeys. They could've had a dancing monkey number. Because quite frankly, by the end of the third movie the Ewoks were becoming disturbing and vaguely creepy. Argh! Don't you hate pants?!

Love, Harry Potter

Harry waited patiently.

Hello Harry,

My warmest regards. It seems someone has finally stumbled upon my very secret diary. Congratulations; I assume it was a daunting task. I've never heard of this Willy Wonka you speak of, but I would very much like to meet him. Now, Harry...do you know anything about...the Chamberpot of Secrets?

Why, yes! was Harry's reply.

Would you like me to show you more, Harry?

Why, yes! was Harry's reply. And then he was sucked into the very secret diary in a long, complex, and nonsensical sequence which rivaled the bad-acid-trip tunnel scene in Willy Wonka.

***

When Harry finally came to, he was sitting on the deck of a ship. The sun was setting, painting the sky with a myriad of colours. Harry slowly got up as a familiar Celine Dion tune began to play.

"Just trust me," a low, sexy-sounding Spanish voice said. Harry whirled around to see two guys, one wearing a dress, standing on the bow of the ship. The boy with the dress slowly opened his eyes.

"I'm flying, Enrique! I'm flying!" he exclaimed in delight.

Harry blinked as he slowly leaned over the railing to see the words S.S. Titanic painted across the front of the ship.

"So I hear there's icebergs in the area, Captain!" one of the crew-men exclaimed jovially.

"No..." Harry whispered.

"Hey, let's press on ahead at double the speed, blatantly disregarding everything that makes sense, just for the hell of it!" the captain replied, laughing.

"No!" Harry said, a little more loudly this time.

"You wanna get it on in a car in the bottom compartment of the ship?" Enrique whispered to the boy in the dress.

Harry fell to his knees. "Noooooooooooo!"

***

The Boy Who Lived suddenly found himself back in his bedroom. He cried out in relief and kissed the floor.

Heh...um...wrote the diary. Sorry about that...wrong memory...ahem...here's the thing...with the Chamberpot...yeah...

***

"Hello, Hagrid," a silky voice said. Harry's eyes flew open to discover he was in the Hogwarts dungeon. A glance up at the swimsuit calendar that hung on the stone walls told him that this was Hogwarts 50 years ago. In front of him a very large boy crouched, with a box. Behind him was the boy in the dress, except this time he wasn't wearing a dress or standing on the bow of the Titanic while My Heart Will Go On played in the background, much to Harry's relief.

Hagrid said something. But no one can understand a bloody word Hagrid says, so Harry ignored him and looked to the artist formerly known as the boy in the dress for help.

"You mock me, Hagrid?" the boy said in a creepy English accent. "A man mocked me once...I ate his liver with a side of farfala beans."

Hagrid said something that ended in "Tom Riddle". Or it could have been "Long Fiddle." Who knew?

"I know you opened the Chamberpot of Secrets, Hagrid," Long Fiddle/Tom Riddle continued. Harry noticed he was wearing a very expensive Italian suit. "Quid pro quo, Hagrid," he whispered. "Quid pro quo."

Hagrid looked very confused. Tom suddenly swooped closer to the large boy, narrowing his eyes.

"Hagrid," he whispered. "I'm giving serious consideration...to eating your wife."

Now Hagrid was shaking his head and saying something indistinguishable, which was probably for the best, because Harry had a feeling that it started with "Crazy son of a..."

***

Harry suddenly found himself back in his room, wearing a shirt that said "I've Been to the Past and I Got This T-Shirt!". He had an extremely bad headache.

So as you can see, Harry, Tom wrote, It was Hagrid that was responsible for opening the Chamberpot of Secrets fifty years ago!

Harry furrowed his eyebrows. "...But...what did that whole thing have to do with...?"

It was Hagrid.

Harry shrugged. "Y'okay."

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

Chapter 6: The Power is Yours!

"Hi, I'm Gert, and this is my brother Bert!"

"Hi!" Bert chimed.

It seemed necessary for every magically-inclined school to have a safety presentation, given by two rabbits wearing helmets and roller blades, at some point during the year. This was due to an alarming increase in the number of curse-related accidents. They had risen a whopping 153.68% ever since Sorceror's Stone, all due to that one Wingardium Levoisa scene...

"And now, to aid us in our presentation," Gert the bunny was saying, "a special celebrity guest! Everyone say hello to Yoko Oko, the woman infamous for breaking up the Beatles!"

Yoko Ono walked out, waving at the crowd. She ducked as a glass was hurled at her head. It shattered behind her.

"Thanks for nothing!" someone screamed. Yoko Ono hung her head and mimed that she was stuck in a box, which symbolized how she was actually stuck in society. It was deep.

"I didn't know Yoko Ono was a mime," Ron whispered to Harry.

"Meh," Harry whispered back. "Listen, Ron...last night, I wrote to the very secret diary...and it wrote back! And then we were on the Titanic, and then I couldn't understand Hagrid, and he was going to eat his liver with a side of farfala beans!"

"Isn't it fava beans?" Ron said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"Fava beans give me gas," Neville, who was sitting nearby, announced.

"You're losing it," Ron told Harry. He then launched into a long-winded speech about the negative, long-term effects of eating egg roll-flavoured jelly beans as Hagrid was dragged away by Ministry of Magic officials in the background, screaming.

"All righ' 'ey nuffin summat!" Hagrid hollered at the top of his lungs. (Translation: "Follow the spiders!")

"Did you hear something?" Hermione asked, whirling around. Her hair smacked Neville in the face in the process. He was in a coma for eight months afterwards.

"Yeah...yeah," Harry answered thoughtfully. "I think he said 'follow the spiders'."

"No, you idiot," Ron said, rolling his eyes. "He said 'beware the Black Riders'."

Two new students named Fladnag and Odorf, who were sitting behind them, suddenly looked to each other, panicked.

"Is it secret?!" Fladnag whispered frantically. "Is it safe?!"

Odorf nodded, patting his pocket. Then they both disappeared into the night.

"Look!" Hermione shouted. "Spiders!"

Sure enough, a line of spiders were marching across the floor. Everyone glanced over to see another group of spiders, also marching across the floor, but these ones were wearing red coats. They started playing tiny spider flutes. The first group of spiders screamed something in tiny little spider voices. The second group of spiders screamed something in tiny little spider voices with English accents. Then they rushed at each other, and a bloody war commenced.

"My God, it's the Revolutionary War!" Hermione exclaimed. "Fight, little British spiders! Fight!"

"Oh yeah, the Revolutionary War," Ron said, shaking his head. "Bloody shame we lost that."

"C'mon, Ron!" Harry exclaimed, leaping up. He killed half of the British forces in the process, which explains why they lost the Revolutionary War. "Let's follow the spiders!"

"Can I come?" Hermione asked eagerly.

"Sorry, Hermione," Ron sighed. "According to the actual sequence of things you're really supposed to be paralyzed by the monster in the Chamberpot of Secrets right now. We just never got around to that. Or explaining the fact that there is a monster to begin with."

"Oh," said Hermione, and then she got paralyzed.

"To the Pottermobile!" Harry hollered.

***

Da na na na na na na na na! *Lightning bolt-shaped scar spins on-screen*

***

"Holy unpredictable plot twist, Harry Potterman!" Ron exclaimed. "The spiders are leading us into the forest! And I have a deadly fear of spiders! Oh yeah!"

"Where do you think they're taking us?" Harry hissed. The spiders abruptly stopped in an empty clearing and began clicking their pincers together.

"To their King, Harry," Ron whispered, terrified. They could see a shadow of something large and terrifying approaching. "To their King..."

The two boys waited, scarcely breathing, as the horrible shadow slowly got closer, and closer...it was enormous, frightening, monstrous, menacing, harrowing, appalling, horrifying beyond all description!

It was...

"Spider-Man?!" Ron exclaimed incredulously. The shadow seemed to have shrunk; in it's place was a figure in blue and red spandex.

"Yo," said Spider-Man.

"You're the Spider King?" Harry asked in amazement.

"He's got radioactive blood," one of the spiders piped up.

"Can he swing from a thread?" another added. "Take a look overhead."

"Yeah, well...that whole chasing that fat Kingpin guy around wasn't working out for me...and you know, Mary Jane was becoming a bit anal..." Spider-Man explained. "So here I am."

"Do you know anything about the Chamberpot of Secrets?" Harry demanded.

"And were you happy with the choice of Tobey Maguire to play you in Spider-Man: The Multi-Million Dollar Movie?" Ron inquired.

Spider-Man sighed and sat on a log. "Well, Ron, to be quite honest...I enjoyed Tobey's portrayal of my secret identity, Peter Parker - but quite frankly, as Spider-Man, he just wasn't...real. Sure, he had the witty comebacks and the saucy remarks that have made me famous and appealing to the ladies, but...he was just lacking that special...you know..." Spider-Man sighed again. "No one understands me."

Ron and Harry exchanged glances. Ron cleared his throat. "So yeah, Chamberpot of Secrets..." Harry said loudly.

"Oh yeah, that," Spider-Man replied flatly. "Hagrid's innocent."

Da na na!

"And that Lockheart dude is gay," Spiderman added.

Da na...NA NA NA!

"No!" Harry gasped.

Meanwhile...

"Uh huh yeah, yeah..." Gilderoy Lockheart sang, prancing around his bedroom. He was wearing his pink Sailor Moon underwear and a T-shirt that read "Girls Rule, Boys Drool". Grabbing a comb and using it as a microphone, he spun around to face his mirror.

"I never knew a guy who carried a mirror in his pocket! Or a comb up his sleeve...just in case!" Lockheart jumped on to his bed and started jumping up and down. "And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughta lock it - 'cause heaven forbid it should fall outta place!"

"Oooooh oooooh you think you're special, oooooh ooooh you think you're somethin' else..." Lockheart paused dramatically then whirled around. "Okay, so you're Brad Pitt," he giggled.

"That don't impress-a me much! Oh, oh, a-wooo..."

Back in the Forest...

"You owe me five bucks," Ron pointed out to Harry. Grumbling, Harry obliged.

"Yeah, that's great...aaaaaand now I'm going to have to sacrifice you both to my hungry legions upon legions of little spider followers," Spider-Man said apologetically. "Sorry."

The spiders started advancing slowly on Harry and Ron, clicking their pincers together excitedly. Ron and Harry backed up slowly, fear and panic written all over their young, child actor faces.

"Do something!" Ron hissed.

"Um...um...save us Captain Planet!" Harry called out to the heavens.

A bunch of stray kids suddenly leapt into the clearing, all wearing identical Earth Day-like T-Shirts. "Earth!" one of them called, holding a ring to the sky.

"Fire!" another hollered.

"Wind!"

"Water!"

"Heart!" yelled the little Mexican boy with the monkey and the cheap-ass "heart" power. He totally got gypped.

"With your powers combined...I am Captain Planet!" a voice said out of nowhere. Snape slid into the clearing, wearing a sparkly, Saturday Night Fever, bell-bottom outfit.

"Captain Planet!" Snape sang. "He's a hero! Gonna take pollution down to zero! Gonna help him put asunder, bad guys who like to loot and plunder!"

"You'll pay for this, Captain Planet!" Spider-Man shouted angrily.

"We're the Planeteers! You can be one too! 'Cause saving our planet is the thing to do!" the Earth-Day kids started chanting.

"Captain Planet?" Ron whispered fervently to Harry. "That was the best you could do?! A super-hero who fights the evil forces of pollution?!"

"Let's just slowly and painstakingly slip away," Harry murmured back. He and Ron slowly and painstakingly slipped out of the clearing while Spider-Man and his spider-cronies were occupied, then ran like hell back to Hogwarts.

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

Sadly, I cannot post the last 2 chapters because ff.net isn't working right now. I hope you all enjoyed that, I know I did!

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

Ok, it's working!!

Chapter 7: And This Time, It's Personal

"No, Hermione!" Harry Potter exclaimed, breaking away from his scantily-clad best friend. "We...you and I...we can't do this..."

"But why, Harry? Why?" Hermione said breathily, tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Don't you see, dammit?!" Harry cried, pounding his hand on the wall of his lavish, enormous, jacuzzi-equipped bedroom at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. "We can never be together! I'm an internationally-known hero who continues to brave the forces of evil nearly every day...I just don't want to see you get hurt. And plus...I...I think Ron knows," Harry said somberly, pouring a glass of Scotch with his back to Hermione.

Hermione gasped. "Are you saying you...you think Ron suspects something?"

"How can he not?!" Harry hollered, downing the Scotch in one gulp and chucking the glass into the fire, where it smashed into a million pieces. "He's seen the way you look at me..." Harry suddenly glanced up, on every alert. "Hermione...get down!"

In slow motion, Harry threw himself on top of his comely friend/lover as a flying motorcycle crashed through Harry's bedroom window, shards of glass flying everywhere. Hermione fainted. Harry jumped up, fire ablaze in his eyes. His shirt was artfully torn where glass had ripped across it.

"Voldemort," Harry said, narrowing his eyes. Voldemort removed his bike helmet, shaking out a long, luscious mane of black hair. He wore a black eye-patch, and a leather jacket and pants.

"We meet again, Harry," Voldemort replied smoothly, jumping off the motorcycle.

"Yeah, we meet again," Harry replied, picking up a random, long pole which had emerged from the flaming wreckage of his bedroom. "And this time...it's personal!"

"Wait, Harry, wait!" Voldemort suddenly cried out. "There's...something I have to tell you first...Harry, I am your - "

"We will return you to 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone', the made-for TV movie, starring Keanu Reeves as Harry Potter, Jennifer Lopez as Hermione, and Johnny Depp as Voldemort, after these commercials!" the TV announcer's voice exclaimed. Harry sighed and ate a Cheeto, waiting for the movie to resume.

"Wait a second! That's it!" Harry shouted, leaping up. "The secret entrance to the Chamberpot of Secrets must be in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom since Moaning Myrtle was the very girl that was killed during the last time the Chamberpot of Secrets was opened nearly fifty years ago! I must get to the girls' bathroom!"

"We now return you to 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone', co-starring Ewan McGregor as Ron, Cher as Professor McGonagall, and Marlon Brando as Albus Dumbledore!"

"...Maybe later," Harry decided, sitting down and popping another Cheeto into his mouth.

Later...

"You're sure it's in here?" Ron said skeptically. He and Harry were squished together inside a small stall in the girls' toilets.

"Yes," Harry replied firmly. He pointed to a subtle, tiny engraved figure on the porcelain toilet. "Do you see that?"

Ron squinted and leaned closer to the toilet bowl. "Why, it's...it's a tiny..."

"Swirlie!" Harry yelled, pushing Ron's entire head into the toilet and flushing it. He giggled madly as Ron made choking sounds.

"Oh, yeah, that was rich," Harry proclaimed triumphantly. Except it came out more like flap, flap, flap, flap. Suddenly, Ron was sucked into the toilet. Harry stared.

"It's elementary, my dear Harry," Professor Plum said, walking into the stall as he had finished washing his hands at the sink. For you see, he too needed to use the facilities, just like any other suspected murderer. "You see the tiny umbrella engraved on the toilet bowl? This, my good fellow, is the entrance to the Chamberpot of Secrets! The way to get in, of course, is to speak in Parasoltongue and then flush yourself down the toilet!"

"Isn't that a bit unsanitary?" Harry said skeptically.

"Since when do parasols go flap, flap, flap?" Professor Plum countered.

Harry considered this. "...I know it was you in the library with the wrench!" he hollered, then flushed himself down the toilet.

Professor Plum narrowed his eyes angrily. "d**n!"

***

Harry slowly blinked away the black dots that were clouding his vision. Rubbing his head gingerly, he sat up, only to be assaulted by the face of none other than Mystikal.

"HEY!" Mystikal shouted at the top of his lungs. "WAAAATCH YOURSELF!"

"Sweet baby Jesus!" Harry shouted, leaping up. He found that he was also surrounded by John Stamos, Vanilla Ice, and that dog from Taco Bell.

"Hello, Harry, and welcome to Celebrity Fear Factor!" Jeff Probst said enthusiastically.

"I thought you were the host of Survivor?" Harry asked, puzzled.

"Yeah, well, I gotta pay the bills somehow, don't I?!" Jeff responded defensively, then turned back to an imaginary camera. "This edition of Celebrity Fear Factor will feature five contestants fearing it up in none other than the legendary Chamberpot of Secrets! Meet our extremely sad celebrity contestants, who have been driven to a degrading show like this to save their non-existant careers! Mystikal!"

"SHAKE THAT ARSE!" Mystikal screamed. Vanilla Ice slowly began to obey. Jeff Probst slapped him.

"John Stamos!"

"Have you seen my wife?" John Stamos said desperately. "She's a supermodel...a supermodel, d**n you!"

"The Taco Bell dog!"

"Yo quiero a better catch phrase," that crazy dog said.

"Vanilla Ice!" Jeff Probst was going to allow Vanilla Ice the allotted time to say something and totally shame himself in the process, but wisely decided against it. "Aaaand Harry Potter!"

"How the hell did I end up on Celebrity Fear Factor?!" Harry said desperately. "How?! Little children everywhere know my name!"

"They lost interest when the fifth book took too d**n long to come out," John Stamos said pointedly.

"Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!" Harry cried, falling to his knees.

"To save Ginny and the other kids who were paralyzed, find out who the person is who opened the Chamberpot of Secrets, and discover where the hell Ron went, you must..." Jeff Probst pulled a tablecloth off a bowl. "...Eat these gummi worms!!!"

"That's it?" Harry said in disbelief. "No bull testicles? Pig snouts? Intestines of half-monkey half-llama type creatures?"

Jeff Probst cleared his throat. "Gummi worms!!!" he repeated again in what he hoped was a frightening voice.

Harry shrugged, gulped down the sugary snacks, and bolted into the main chamber of the Chamberpot of Secrets.

"We lose more failed celebrities that way," Jeff Probst said sadly. "Oh well. There's still Survivor. Watch next week when some random chick who fits the pregnant dogy/liar stereotype steals everyone's food and blames it on a rare African butterfly!"

Harry panted as he burst into the main chamber. He found Ginny sprawled out on the floor, unconscious. Harry stared in disbelief, then with a cry of despondency, flung himself on her motionless form. His weeping echoed in the vast chamber.

"Harry, Harry, Harry..." said a creepy, familiar voice. Harry slowly looked up, tears shining on his face.

"You!" Harry hollered, leaping to his feet. For, as you all know, it was none other than Tom Riddle.

Tom started clapping slowly, a crazed grin plastered on his face. "Bravo, Harry, bravo. You've found the Chamberpot of Secrets. A bit too late, I might add," he said, laughing maniacally. "SICK 'IM, PENELOPE!"

"Penelope?" Harry mouthed to himself as a shadow moved in the dark. Harry gasped and tripped over Ginny's body as he took a step backwards. He quivered in fear.

For there, you see, was a giant umbrella.

"No, Harry!" a disembodied voice said. "Use the force, Harry! I'll always be with you!"

"D-Dad?" Harry hiccuped.

"No, it's me, John Stamos!" John Stamos said, leaping out of the shadows. He pointed at the umbrella. "Use the force, Harry!"

Harry shrugged, jumped up, ran over to the umbrella, and closed it. It fell to the ground, harmless.

"...Son of a..." Tom Riddle muttered under his breath.

"Oh, but you're not Tom Riddle at all, are you?" John Stamos said triumphantly, folding his arms. "I think I have this groovy mystery solved!" he strolled over to Tom Riddle, and pulled off a mask, only to reveal...

"Johnathan Taylor Thomas!" John Stamos hollered.

"I knew it!" Harry gasped.

"Yes, it's me, Johnathan Taylor Thomas!" the former teen dream said bitterly. "Yeah, I did it! And I'll tell you why! I wanted to play Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone, the made-for TV movie, but that lousy Keanu Reeves got the part! So I thought that by creating a ruckus at the real Hogwarts, it would create chaos and panic in the wizarding world! Harry Potter would be looked for to save the day - but alas, I would have killed Harry Potter here in the Chamberpot of Secrets! So Keanu Reeves, who plays his TV persona, would have had to save the day! But, as you know, Keanu Reeves can't save nothin'! So I would be asked to save the day instead! And I would! And then I would be asked to play Harry Potter in Harry Potter and the Chamberpot of Secrets, the made-for TV movie! Mwahahahaha!"

"Of course," Harry whispered. "It's so simple..." he suddenly furrowed his eyebrows. "Wait, no it's not. It's unnecessarily complex."

"Take him away, boys!" Ron exclaimed, appearing out of nowhere with a police force. Because that's what Ron does.

"You're all washed up, JTT," Harry said sadly, watching as the police dragged him away. "You're all washed up..."

[MrsRadcliffe0480]

The last chapter... *sob*

Chapter 8: In A Totally Predictable Twist of Fate

"So it wasn't Tom Riddle who wrote the very secret diary at all, it was Johnathan Taylor Thomas?"

"Yuh huh," Harry responded to Ron. They were eating a balanced breakfast, as they often did after a busy night of fighting the forces of evil.

"And it was he who unleashed a giant parasol on the unsuspecting staff and students of this school, paralyzing and killing many?"

"Yuh huh."

"And how does my sister fit into any of this?"

"I 'unno," Harry mumbled through a mouthful of Apple Jacks.

"And why is Hermione a cat?" Ron asked thoughtfully, glancing over at Hermione, who, true to his word, was a cat.

"Yeah, we kinda skipped that," Hermione said with a sigh, licking her paw and grooming herself.

"And then John Stamos saved the day," Ron finished.

"No, I saved the day," Harry said with a heavy wink.

"Oh yeah, right..." Ron winked back.

Somewhere in the dungeons...

"Hello? Is anyone there?!" John Stamos cried. He was trapped beneath an overturned laundry basket. "...Please?"

Back in the Great Hall...

"Can I have everyone's attention, please!" Albus Dumbledore said loudly, standing up. "I first would like to congratulate my dear friend, Marlon Brando, on his Oscar nomination for playing me in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, the made-for TV movie!"

This was met with much clapping, cheering, and whooping on behalf of the students.

How did he get nominated for an Oscar for a made-for TV movie, you ask?

...You ask too many questions.

"Oh yes, and thanks to Harry Potter for saving us all from horrible, horrible deaths at the hands of JTT and a giant umbrella," Dumbledore added dully.

"Yay," someone said unenthusiastically.

"To congratulate Marlon Brando on his amazing accomplishment," Dumbledore continued brightly. "Singing the hit single 'A Moment Like This', American Idol..."

Everyone immediately started cheering and screaming.

"...runner-up, Justin Guarini!" Dumbledore finished.

"Boo!" everyone yelled, chucking tomatoes and other handy fruits and vegetables that tend to explode and splatter on contact. Justin Guarini ran off-stage crying, his floppy, floppy hair flopping madly.

"Ah...um...er..." Dumbledore said uneasily, loosening his tie. Yeah, he's wearing a tie. Live with it. "Well, he was the only entertainment we had booked for tonight..."

Then, in a totally predictable twist of fate, a familiar tune started playing in the background. Students looked around wildly for it's source.

Do do dododo do, do do dododo, do do dododo...

"Listen baaaaby!" Snape sang, appearing at the Great Hall doors with a microphone in hand. He was once again wearing his sparkly disco outfit. "Ain't no Dark Lord strong, ain't no Riddle Tom, ain't no afro big enough, baby..."

"If ya need him call him," another voice sang from the opposite end of the room. Lo and behold, Gilderoy Lockhart, dancing slowly towards Snape with microphone in hand. "No matter where you are, he'll come in his flying car..."

"Don't worry, baby!"

"Just call his name!" Lockhart continued as the two shortened the distance between each other. "He'll save you in a hurry, you don't have to worry..." Snape joined in as the two ended up side-by-side. Suddenly the doors opened, letting in a flood of random people and characters. "'Cause baby there..."

"Ain't no Dark Lord strong enough!" sang Vanilla Ice, bursting on to the scene with the others.

"Ain't no Riddle Tom enough!" contributed Spider-Man and his legion of spiders.

"Ain't no afro big enough!" Fladnag and Odorf belted out, arm in arm. Hermione glowered.

"To keep Harry from savin' your arse, babe!" Dobby and a bunch of Oompa Loompas sang, spinning around and doing their crazy Oompa dance.

"Remember the time, with the Sorceror's Rock? And Harry kicked that turban guy's arse 'round the block!" Captain Planet sang.

"From that day on, he was known all around, 'cause Harry is a hero pound for pound! Yo!" Lil' Fred and Big G added.

"'Cause baby there..."

"Take it away, Hagrid!" Lockhart yelled gleefully.

"'Ey er wot all roooooight summat!" Hagrid sang. "'arry jus' ar eh 'cause nuffin!"

"Ain't no afro big enough!" everyone continued. "To keep Harry from savin' your arse, babe!"

"Go Mystikal! Go Mystikal! Go, go, go Mystikal!" everyone chanted.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATCH YOURSELF!" Mystikal screamed. The Oompa Loompas all began to break dance.

"Well, Ron, Hermione," Harry said, putting an arm around his best friends' shoulders. "If there's one thing we've learned, it's this..."

"Don't let Silver Phoenix write a parody to Prisoner of Azkaban," Hermione and Ron answered simultaneously.

"Aaaaand how," Harry smiled.

THE END

----------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[AcId_BrOoZ]

*cheers and whoops and claps*
that was realy funny! you should write more spoofs!
:) ;) :D ;D
:voldy:<---its johnathan taylor thomas!

[ronweazley122]

*puts 'ice' around neck*yeah,funny old school!thans amy but i alredy read it and you don't have to open an account there!lolthanx anyway P.S.that was not her story star surfer! lol

Since, this wasn't working for some people, I'll just post it right here. Now keep in mind, this is not my story. It belongs to "Silver Phoenix" from www.fanfiction.net. I repeat: THIS IS NOT MY STORY!!!!!

at the beginning of the story she wrote this....

[admin]

I have mentioned this before: copying and pasteing other stories onto the HPF Boards is not allowed. This is mainly because Fan Fiction can use up a lot of space on my server so if it's not original to HPF Forums then please provide a link instead.
Thanks
admin  :)

[Voldyrocks01]

THat's is hilarious.

[natalie]

lmao
THAT WAS FUNNY!!!

[Kilynn]

I FRIGGIN LOVE THIS! LIKE MY FAVORITEST EVER!