Well, my friend sent me this chain mail and I thought it was funny so I decided to post it.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students, without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not actually read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name(excuse) men give to(for) their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself when alive, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking his bath if he accidently falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who, whilst falling from Eiffel tower, says in midway..."See, I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poorly so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before the election and your confidence after the election.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and subsequently, kills you with his bills.
LOL. ;D
lol good ones
it's a sad sad world when you see stuff like "divorce is the future tense of marriage" really funny tho ;D
i agree
I agree too... What is the world coming to?
Quote from: 0612 on April 11, 2005, 02:52:35 PM
What is the world coming to?
*sighs* A bad end.. :'(
Lol.. very funny jokes, Zero!
heehee, those are cute
Thanks but I'd like to remind you that I didn't do up these jokes (hey, I have a 'rubbish sense of humor') ;D so credit dosen't and shouldn't go to me.
And BTW, when I saw that Kiara made I post, I was wondering whether she was gonna tell me I shouldn't make these kinda posts... Hey, now she's a law enforcer we must all watch our step. :P ;D
I have a few jokes, sorry if they affend anybody in any way...
A blonde was walking back and forth from her house to her mail box. She made the trip over and over again. Finally her neighbor asked her what she was doing. She replied "My computer keeps telling me I have mail!"
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. 'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'
A doctor goes to a nursing home to review an elderly customer. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."
I got a new car stereo the other day. When I shout "Soul", it plays soul music. When I shout "Rock", it plays rock music. Today, these kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "F#cking kids!!!!" It played Michael Jackson.
Do Spanish people play a card game called "One"?
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are walking in a forest when an ugly old witch comes out and says,
"If you say something true about yourself I will give you a wish. If it is not true then you will be poofed away."
The brunette says, "I am hot."
*POOF* she is gone.
The red head says, "I am popular."
*POOF* she is gone.
The blonde says, "I think....."
*POOF* she is gone.
One day, a guy is walking in the park and notices a girl with no arms and no legs, crying, sitting on a bench. "Why are you crying," he asks her. She replies,"I've never been kissed before." Feeling sorry, the guy kisses her, but she still doesn't stop crying. "Now why are you crying?" he asks. "I've never been screwed," she replies. Feeling sorry, the guy picks her up and throws her in a lake and says, "Now you're screwed!"
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Psalm 129." The priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It read, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit"
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
'Both, son.'
"Daddy, is God black or white?"
'Both, son.'
"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?"
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new TV show?
It's called Changing Races
What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
DUCK!
Mickey Divorces Minnie
Judge: Mickey you can't divorce Minnie on the account that she's silly.
Mickey: I didn't say she was silly, I said she was f**king Goofy!!
(I thought some of them were pretty funny)
LOL. But refrain from the dirty or gross ones. :P ;D
AWAY MESSAGES
(here are a few of my away messages... Some of them are stupid, some are funny, sorry if they affend you in any way)
NOTE: %n= buddies screen name
%t= time
%d= date
*grabs bat* *smacks %n* Don't bother me, I'm sleeping.
370HSSV 0773H
Can you crack the code?
No? Try reading it upside down.
AIM, A place on the internet where people of all ages, races, religions, colors, habits, musical preferences, nationalities, politcal views, genders, and sexual orientations can come together to insult each other's ages, races, religions, colors, habits, musical preferences, nationalities, politcal views, genders, and sexual orientations.
|P|L|A|G|I|A|R|I|S|M| My Anti-Homework
|D|R|U|G|S| My anti-homework.
|A|I|M| My Anti-Life
|S|T|U|D|Y|I|N|G| My Anti-Life
|A|W|A|Y|M|E|S|S|A|G|E|S| my anti talking to you
Don't you love away messages that get right to the point? I once read an away message that said, simply, "Food." There was another I read that said, "Brb," completely giving you the point without taking a paragraph to do it. This, unfortunately, is not one of those messages. However, since I like you, and you apparently hate these long messages as much as I do (I can tell by the eye rolling that's going on right now), I'm going to come to the point now.
I'm out.
Children cause accidents in the back of the car,
and accidents in the back of a car cause children. bbl
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have a free pair of shoes! :-) brb
DeReS dIs BoY i WaNt 2 bE wItH bUt ThIs BoY dOnT hAvE a ClUe So 2 aLl Da BoYs DaT bE rEaDiNg DiS---u NeVeR nO---iT cOuLd B u
Don't you see the little yellow notepad next to my name? Well that means I'm not here!! I forgive you if you are blind.
Dreaming of %n... Interrupt at your own risk.
Everyone else has one up. I just wanted to fit in.
A friend will call you in Jail. A good friend will visit you in Jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you in Jail saying..."THAT WAS AWESOME!"
Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea . . . Spongebob Square Pants!
Who's left the computer 'cause they had to pee . . .
Take a wild guess - BrB
%n: lol hi ur so kewl im stupid tho
angelember888: Yes, I know, you suck ass, I kick ass. Now leave me alone.
%n: lol k i suk
|H|O|M|E|W|O|R|K| makes me want to do drugs
H-O-M-E-W-O-R-K has 8 letters, so does B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.
Homework: noun; "an evil thing teachers give to students after they've already endured 7 hours of suffering" See Evil, Pain, Hitler, or Satan
I'm doing homework. Feel free to IM me and distract me for a few hours...
Homework...it's like Monopoly, it never ends
I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
-If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.
-If you are codependent, please ask someone to press "2".
-If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", and "5".
-If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
-If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.
I'm doing homework unlike you, you stupid smart bastard. I bet you're just laughing your ass off because im "slow". Well, F**K YOU, Einstein!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that . . . Hey, can I copy your answers?
Just because I have Narcolepsy doesn't mean that... zzzzzzzzzz....
me: knock, knock
%n: who's there?
me: boo
%n: boo who?
me: aww, don't cry.. I'm away from my PC right now but i'll be back soon, I promise! brb
What does McDonalds and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both stick their 40-year-old meat into 12-year-old buns!
I'm away, not eating McDonalds and not listening to MJ, bbl.
Mirrors can't talk, and lucky for YOU they can't laugh either - brb
Hey, %n, can you do me a favor?
O.K. Follow these steps:
1. Look at your buddy list
2. Look at my screen name on your buddy list
Tell me, do you see the little yellow notepad by my name?
Yea?
Well, guess what it means... it means I'm not here, dumbass.
Doin' what I DIDN'T do last night . . . and what I wasn't SUPPOSED to do today in class . . .
Note to Self: %n Messaged me at %t, Add to "Must kill" list.....
Now I lay me down to study, I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. If I should fail to learn this junk, I pray the Lord I will not flunk. But if I do, don't pitty me at all, Just lay my bones in the dorm hall. Tell my Prof I did my best, Then pile my books upon my chest. Now I lay me down to rest, And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take! O:-)
On my other S/N: try2kill%n
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!
Working on my science fair project: The effect of gasoline on fire.
At this point I am sleeping because my horrific nightmares have become more preferable than being awake talking to you.
Some like it hard, some like it soft. Some prefer up and down over side to side, but either way it ends up going in and out . . .
What, I'm brushing my teeth, you PERV . . . BrB
I'm away studying.
...notice how they put dying on the end...
.won thgir uoy ot klat t'nac i os ,gniyduts ma ,dnah rehto eht no ,I .sdnah ruoy no emit hcum oot evah uoy neht ,siht daer ot emit eht koot uoy fI
Apparently my teachers were having a contest to see who could give out the most homework . . . they all won.
I'm Just Too Lazy To Click I'm Back
They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?
WARNING!
Your Parental Control Level has just been set to its highest setting. Now all of your AIM conversations will be sent to your parents' e-mail, which we get from the e-mail you provided when you signed up. If we cannot get through to your parents' e-mail, we will contact them over the phone. If you did not sign up to install the Parental Control Option on to your AIM, it is now installed. Thanks and have a good day!
Whu neids homwurk n e wais?
The more you study, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why study?!
Everyone reading this, send an IM to %n and say "You have no friends, bastard!"
Do you miss me, %n? Is that why you're checking my away message?
Nice but a little long, know what I'm saying? ;D
So what if it's long, there's been longer posts. If you think it's too long, then here's an idea; DON'T READ IT!!! DUH!
Gin, will you stop going around biting people's heads off? Seriously, it's just a comment so stop getting so agitated.
0612, if you want her to stop biting your head of, word of advice, don't tell her to stop biting ppls heads off! Not a good idea! Ginny, don't wear dresses anymore, gets you in a bad mood, and you can't hurt me for saying that becasue you left me all alone with a certain person last night and that was really scary! *shivers* ( I think he knows something. . . I'm very paronoid!)
Never mind why I am biting your head off 0612, but there is a reason.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Man don't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
When the girlfriend and I get in an argument, I begin to believe in flying saucers...and plates, pots, mugs...
-- Robert Paul
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-- Emo Philips
'Cus it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
-- Tommy Cooper
He'd make a lovely corpse.
-- Charles thingyens
While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, "Times are kind of tough." He also pointed out that Bill Gates is kind of rich, that water is kind of wet, and that Elvis is kind of dead.
-- Andy Waits
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
-- Mike Tyson
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
-- Steven Wright
I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
-- Oscar Levant
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
-- Edward Abbey
According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair.
-- Jay Leno
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-- Jeff Foxworthy
Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned how to swear.
-- Robert Paul
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
-- Aldous Huxley
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
-- Steve Landesberg
A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
--Bill Cosby
When you become senile, you won't know it.
--Bill Cosby
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
--Jay Leno
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
-- Dennis Miller
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-- Winston Churchill
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
-- Robert Orben
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.
-- Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
-- Eddie Izzard
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.
-- Mark Twain
McDonalds announced it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn't it?
-- Jay Leno
They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
-- Eddie Izzard
I'd move to Los Angeles if New Zealand and Australia were swallowed up by a tidal wave, if there was a bubonic plague in England and if the continent of Africa disappeared from some Martian attack.
-- Russell Crowe(Movie line, August 2000)
:P
lol.. those are soo funny, Zack! I especially love the President Bush one! ;D
LOL! Well, my friend gave me another good one (I'll write in a script format to save time):
Teacher: "What is 12X12?"
Student: "I don't know"
Teacher: "Go home and find out"
So the student went home and approached his elder sister, who was doing her homework.
Student: "What is 12X12?"
Sister: "Shut up and don't bother me"
The student approached his father, who was watching a fiery debate on TV, and was so absorbed that he also yelled.
Student: "What is 12X12?"
Father: "YES! YES! YES!"
The student then approached his mother who was cooking and muttering to herself.
Student: "What is 12X12?"
Mother: "I wanna go to Bahamas for a holiday..."
The student went to his baby brother.
Student: "What is 12X12?"
Baby: "GA-GAAAAAAAAA!"
Finally, the student went to his brother, who was one the phone, qurelling with a friend.
Student: "What is 12X12?"
Brother: "That's a bloody lame joke!"
The next day, the student went back to school.
Teacher: "So what is 12X12?"
Student: "SHUT UP AND DON'T BOTHER ME!"
Teacher: "You #@%$#! Do you want me to bring you to the principal?!?!"
Student: "YES! YES! I WANNA GO TO BAHAMAS FOR A HOLIDAY!!!"
So he was brought to the principal's office.
Principal: "Tell me what you told your teacher."
Student: "GA-GAAAA!"
Principal: "You are a rude liar. I shall cane you!"
Student: "Now that's a bloody lame joke."
LOL. ;D
lol.. That's a funny one Zero! I've heard one similiar to this one before.. ;D
Oh, yeah. My friend told me there were many variations. Actually I modified his a little. His last line wasn't funny enough so I tweaked it a little. ;D
Quote from: 0612 on April 27, 2005, 08:21:05 AM
Oh, yeah. My friend told me there were many variations. Actually I modified his a little. His last line wasn't funny enough so I tweaked it a little. ;D
lol.. ;D ;D
;D Anyone has any other variations? ;D
i gotta blonde joke
There is a blonde a burnette and a red head driving in a car in the desert the car breaks down.They can each bring one thing.the burnette brings food the red head brings water and the blonde brings a car door.Later on the red head and the burnette turn around and ask"Why did you bring a car door?"The blonde answers"To roll down the window in case it gets hot."
Quote from: Josh Weasley on April 29, 2005, 08:21:48 PM
i gotta blonde joke
There is a blonde a burnette and a red head driving in a car in the desert the car breaks down.They can each bring one thing.the burnette brings food the red head brings water and the blonde brings a car door.Later on the red head and the burnette turn around and ask"Why did you bring a car door?"The blonde answers"To roll down the window in case it gets hot."
lol.. Josh that's funny!
lol thanks ;D