A few jokes

[Ginny Weasly]

Never mind why I am biting your head off 0612, but there is a reason.

[Zack]

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
-- Phyllis Diller

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that The Man don't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
-- Emo Philips

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
-- Ellen DeGeneres

When the girlfriend and I get in an argument, I begin to believe in flying saucers...and plates, pots, mugs...
-- Robert Paul

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
-- Emo Philips


'Cus it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
-- Tommy Cooper

He'd make a lovely corpse.
-- Charles thingyens

While he was talking at Baylor University, President Bush said, "Times are kind of tough." He also pointed out that Bill Gates is kind of rich, that water is kind of wet, and that Elvis is kind of dead.
-- Andy Waits

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
-- Mike Tyson

If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
-- Steven Wright

I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on.
-- Oscar Levant

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
-- Edward Abbey

According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair.
-- Jay Leno

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-- Jeff Foxworthy

Until you've learned to drive, you've never really learned how to swear.
-- Robert Paul

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
-- Aldous Huxley

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
-- Steve Landesberg

A word to the wise ain't necessary -- it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
--Bill Cosby

When you become senile, you won't know it.
--Bill Cosby

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
--Jay Leno

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
-- Dennis Miller

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
-- Winston Churchill

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
-- Wendell Johnson

Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
-- Robert Orben

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
-- Oscar Wilde

Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.
-- Shunryu Suzuki Roshi

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.
-- Eddie Izzard

Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
-- Lewis Grizzard

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn

Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.
-- Mark Twain

McDonalds announced it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn't it?
-- Jay Leno

They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
-- Eddie Izzard

I'd move to Los Angeles if New Zealand and Australia were swallowed up by a tidal wave, if there was a bubonic plague in England and if the continent of Africa disappeared from some Martian attack.
-- Russell Crowe(Movie line, August 2000)

:P

[Fawkes]

lol.. those are soo funny, Zack! I especially love the President Bush one! ;D

[0612]

LOL! Well, my friend gave me another good one (I'll write in a script format to save time):

Teacher: "What is 12X12?"
Student: "I don't know"
Teacher: "Go home and find out"

So the student went home and approached his elder sister, who was doing her homework.

Student: "What is 12X12?"
Sister: "Shut up and don't bother me"

The student approached his father, who was watching a fiery debate on TV, and was so absorbed that he also yelled.

Student: "What is 12X12?"
Father: "YES! YES! YES!"

The student then approached his mother who was cooking and muttering to herself.

Student: "What is 12X12?"
Mother: "I wanna go to Bahamas for a holiday..."

The student went to his baby brother.

Student: "What is 12X12?"
Baby: "GA-GAAAAAAAAA!"

Finally, the student went to his brother, who was one the phone, qurelling with a friend.

Student: "What is 12X12?"
Brother: "That's a bloody lame joke!"

The next day, the student went back to school.

Teacher: "So what is 12X12?"
Student: "SHUT UP AND DON'T BOTHER ME!"
Teacher: "You #@%$#! Do you want me to bring you to the principal?!?!"
Student: "YES! YES! I WANNA GO TO BAHAMAS FOR A HOLIDAY!!!"

So he was brought to the principal's office.

Principal: "Tell me what you told your teacher."
Student: "GA-GAAAA!"
Principal: "You are a rude liar. I shall cane you!"
Student: "Now that's a bloody lame joke."

LOL.  ;D

[Fawkes]

lol.. That's a funny one Zero! I've heard one similiar to this one before.. ;D

[0612]

Oh, yeah. My friend told me there were many variations. Actually I modified his a little. His last line wasn't funny enough so I tweaked it a little.  ;D

[Fawkes]

Oh, yeah. My friend told me there were many variations. Actually I modified his a little. His last line wasn't funny enough so I tweaked it a little.  ;D

lol.. ;D ;D

[0612]

 ;D Anyone has any other variations?  ;D

[Josh Weasley]

i gotta blonde joke

There is a blonde a burnette and a red head driving in a car in the desert the car breaks down.They can each bring one thing.the burnette brings food the red head brings water and the blonde brings a car door.Later on the red head and the burnette turn around and ask"Why did you bring a car door?"The blonde answers"To roll down the window in case it gets hot."

[Fawkes]

i gotta blonde joke

There is a blonde a burnette and a red head driving in a car in the desert the car breaks down.They can each bring one thing.the burnette brings food the red head brings water and the blonde brings a car door.Later on the red head and the burnette turn around and ask"Why did you bring a car door?"The blonde answers"To roll down the window in case it gets hot."

lol.. Josh that's funny!

[Josh Weasley]

lol thanks ;D