A few jokes

[0612]

Well, my friend sent me this chain mail and I thought it was funny so I decided to post it.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students, without passing through the minds of either.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not actually read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name(excuse) men give to(for) their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself when alive, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat: A person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking his bath if he accidently falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who, whilst falling from Eiffel tower, says in midway..."See, I am not injured yet."
Miser: A person who lives poorly so that he can die rich.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest...except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before the election and your confidence after the election.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and subsequently, kills you with his bills.

LOL.  ;D

[Josh Weasley]

lol good ones

[cho chang]

it's a sad sad world when you see stuff like "divorce is the future tense of marriage"  really funny tho ;D

[Josh Weasley]

i agree

[0612]

I agree too... What is the world coming to?

[Fawkes]

What is the world coming to?

*sighs* A bad end.. :'(

Lol.. very funny jokes, Zero!

[Kiara Johnson]

heehee, those are cute

[0612]

Thanks but I'd like to remind you that I didn't do up these jokes (hey, I have a 'rubbish sense of humor')  ;D so credit dosen't and shouldn't go to me.

And BTW, when I saw that Kiara made I post, I was wondering whether she was gonna tell me I shouldn't make these kinda posts... Hey, now she's a law enforcer we must all watch our step.  :P ;D

[Em]

I have a few jokes, sorry if they affend anybody in any way...

A blonde was walking back and forth from her house to her mail box. She made the trip over and over again. Finally her neighbor asked her what she was doing. She replied "My computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,' he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. 'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

A doctor goes to a nursing home to review an elderly customer. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."

I got a new car stereo the other day. When I shout "Soul", it plays soul music. When I shout "Rock", it plays rock music. Today, these kids ran in front of my car and I shouted "F#cking kids!!!!" It played Michael Jackson.

Do Spanish people play a card game called "One"?

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are walking in a forest when an ugly old witch comes out and says,
"If you say something true about yourself I will give you a wish. If it is not true then you will be poofed away."
The brunette says, "I am hot."
*POOF* she is gone.
The red head says, "I am popular."
*POOF* she is gone.
The blonde says, "I think....."
*POOF* she is gone.

One day, a guy is walking in the park and notices a girl with no arms and no legs, crying, sitting on a bench. "Why are you crying," he asks her. She replies,"I've never been kissed before." Feeling sorry, the guy kisses her, but she still doesn't stop crying. "Now why are you crying?" he asks. "I've never been screwed," she replies. Feeling sorry, the guy picks her up and throws her in a lake and says, "Now you're screwed!"

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Psalm 129." The priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It read, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again." 

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit" 

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 

"Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
'Both, son.'
"Daddy, is God black or white?"
'Both, son.'
"Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?" 

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!" "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Did you hear about Michael Jackson's new TV show?
It's called Changing Races

What's the national bird of Afghanistan?
DUCK! 

Mickey Divorces Minnie
Judge: Mickey you can't divorce Minnie on the account that she's silly.
Mickey: I didn't say she was silly, I said she was f**king Goofy!!

(I thought some of them were pretty funny)

[0612]

LOL. But refrain from the dirty or gross ones.  :P ;D

[Em]

AWAY MESSAGES

(here are a few of my away messages... Some of them are stupid, some are funny, sorry if they affend you in any way)

NOTE: %n= buddies screen name
%t= time
%d= date

*grabs bat* *smacks %n* Don't bother me, I'm sleeping.

370HSSV 0773H
Can you crack the code?
No? Try reading it upside down.

AIM, A place on the internet where people of all ages, races, religions, colors, habits, musical preferences, nationalities, politcal views, genders, and sexual orientations can come together to insult each other's ages, races, religions, colors, habits, musical preferences, nationalities, politcal views, genders, and sexual orientations.

|P|L|A|G|I|A|R|I|S|M| My Anti-Homework

|D|R|U|G|S| My anti-homework.

|A|I|M| My Anti-Life

|S|T|U|D|Y|I|N|G| My Anti-Life

|A|W|A|Y|M|E|S|S|A|G|E|S| my anti talking to you

Don't you love away messages that get right to the point? I once read an away message that said, simply, "Food." There was another I read that said, "Brb," completely giving you the point without taking a paragraph to do it. This, unfortunately, is not one of those messages. However, since I like you, and you apparently hate these long messages as much as I do (I can tell by the eye rolling that's going on right now), I'm going to come to the point now.
I'm out.

Children cause accidents in the back of the car,
and accidents in the back of a car cause children. bbl

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have a free pair of shoes! :-) brb

DeReS dIs BoY i WaNt 2 bE wItH bUt ThIs BoY dOnT hAvE a ClUe So 2 aLl Da BoYs DaT bE rEaDiNg DiS---u NeVeR nO---iT cOuLd B u

Don't you see the little yellow notepad next to my name? Well that means I'm not here!! I forgive you if you are blind.

Dreaming of %n... Interrupt at your own risk.

Everyone else has one up. I just wanted to fit in.

A friend will call you in Jail. A good friend will visit you in Jail. A best friend will be sitting next to you in Jail saying..."THAT WAS AWESOME!"

Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea . . . Spongebob Square Pants!
Who's left the computer 'cause they had to pee . . .
Take a wild guess - BrB

%n: lol hi ur so kewl im stupid tho
angelember888: Yes, I know, you suck ass, I kick ass. Now leave me alone.
%n: lol k i suk

|H|O|M|E|W|O|R|K| makes me want to do drugs

H-O-M-E-W-O-R-K has 8 letters, so does B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

Homework: noun; "an evil thing teachers give to students after they've already endured 7 hours of suffering" See Evil, Pain, Hitler, or Satan

I'm doing homework. Feel free to IM me and distract me for a few hours...

Homework...it's like Monopoly, it never ends

I am not currently available right now. However, if you would like to be transferred to another correspondent, please press the number that best fits your personality:
-If you are obsessive compulsive, please press "1" repeatedly.
-If you are codependent, please ask someone to press "2".
-If you have multiple personalities, please press "3", "4", and "5".
-If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace your call.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
-If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press, no one will answer.

I'm doing homework unlike you, you stupid smart bastard. I bet you're just laughing your ass off because im "slow". Well, F**K YOU, Einstein!
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that . . . Hey, can I copy your answers?

Just because I have Narcolepsy doesn't mean that... zzzzzzzzzz....

me: knock, knock
%n: who's there?
me: boo
%n: boo who?
me: aww, don't cry.. I'm away from my PC right now but i'll be back soon, I promise! brb

What does McDonalds and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both stick their 40-year-old meat into 12-year-old buns!
I'm away, not eating McDonalds and not listening to MJ, bbl.

Mirrors can't talk, and lucky for YOU they can't laugh either - brb

Hey, %n, can you do me a favor?
O.K. Follow these steps:
1. Look at your buddy list
2. Look at my screen name on your buddy list
Tell me, do you see the little yellow notepad by my name?
Yea?
Well, guess what it means... it means I'm not here, dumbass.

Doin' what I DIDN'T do last night . . . and what I wasn't SUPPOSED to do today in class . . .

Note to Self: %n Messaged me at %t, Add to "Must kill" list.....

Now I lay me down to study, I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. If I should fail to learn this junk, I pray the Lord I will not flunk. But if I do, don't pitty me at all, Just lay my bones in the dorm hall. Tell my Prof I did my best, Then pile my books upon my chest. Now I lay me down to rest, And pray I'll pass tomorrow's test. If I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take! O:-)

On my other S/N: try2kill%n

Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!

Working on my science fair project: The effect of gasoline on fire.

At this point I am sleeping because my horrific nightmares have become more preferable than being awake talking to you.

Some like it hard, some like it soft. Some prefer up and down over side to side, but either way it ends up going in and out . . .
What, I'm brushing my teeth, you PERV . . . BrB

I'm away studying.
...notice how they put dying on the end...

.won thgir uoy ot klat t'nac i os ,gniyduts ma ,dnah rehto eht no ,I .sdnah ruoy no emit hcum oot evah uoy neht ,siht daer ot emit eht koot uoy fI

Apparently my teachers were having a contest to see who could give out the most homework . . . they all won.

I'm Just Too Lazy To Click I'm Back

They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?

WARNING!
Your Parental Control Level has just been set to its highest setting. Now all of your AIM conversations will be sent to your parents' e-mail, which we get from the e-mail you provided when you signed up. If we cannot get through to your parents' e-mail, we will contact them over the phone. If you did not sign up to install the Parental Control Option on to your AIM, it is now installed. Thanks and have a good day!

Whu neids homwurk n e wais?

The more you study, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why study?!

Everyone reading this, send an IM to %n and say "You have no friends, bastard!"

Do you miss me, %n? Is that why you're checking my away message?

[0612]

Nice but a little long, know what I'm saying?  ;D

[Ginny Weasly]

So what if it's long, there's been longer posts. If you think it's too long, then here's an idea; DON'T READ IT!!! DUH!

[0612]

Gin, will you stop going around biting people's heads off? Seriously, it's just a comment so stop getting so agitated.

[Em]

0612, if you want her to stop biting your head of, word of advice, don't tell her to stop biting ppls heads off! Not a good idea! Ginny, don't wear dresses anymore, gets you in a bad mood, and you can't hurt me for saying that becasue you left me all alone with a certain person last night and that was really scary! *shivers* ( I think he knows something. . . I'm very paronoid!)