Musings

[Kiara Johnson]

A place to post those random musings that are not stories, but one might feel they need to get out all the same and no other place to post.  Have fun, or not, either way, I want to see postings in here, as any who desires to write MUST have general musings laying about and I want to read them... err, please??

Huggles to you all once again
~K~

[Kiara Johnson]

ok, I will start...

Another Lie:

I find that my life is filled with friends, on the outside.  I am asked as to the why of it.  Why is it that I hold them all outside, and let none of them in to know who it is that I truly am?  I have been asked this so many times in the most recent of days that I am now forced to think on it myself.

I tell myself that it is because I hate people in general, but then, that just can't be true.  Why, if I hate people so much, do I care so deeply for so many of them?  So, no that is not the true answer, but one that I would try and let myself and others believe.  Another lie.

I tell myself it is because I don't want to be bothered by them.  This, once again simply cannot be true, for if this were the case, why do I always feel so alone? Another lie.

I tell myself it is because I don't want them to see me cry.  If this were the case, why is it I long so much for a shoulder to cry on?  So once again, this is just another lie.

I feel, that the truth of the matter may just be, that I am afraid to let people in, I am afraid of them seeing me cry, afraid of them holding me or touching me, afraid of loving them, I fear loosing them.  Yes, I think that is the reason, though still, I can't be sure, but it sounds about right to me...once again, however, this could also be yet another lie.